The Struggle Continues!

TT Writing Assignment #9:


What is something important you have learned through falling short, falling behind, missing your goals, or outright failure?

To let go of guilt. Guilt gets in my way of getting back on track for improvements. It wakes me up in the night, just as surely as trying to sleep without completing my crucial tasks for the day. Unless I invent a time machine, guilt is useless except as an incentive to avoid it in the future.

To plan more realistically. It turns out that I cannot do everything, be everywhere, and fill gaps for everyone I love, even myself. And even if I actually can do everything, without a plan to achieve it, the deadlines just go zipping by without triggering any alarms. When I find myself failing, it's often because I haven't taken the effort to manage the details of the goals on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.

To change. If I keep missing my targets, something is not right. The plan must not only be more realistic, it might have to change altogether. Change is probably the most complex and frightening component because who is to say that change is for the better? I so often feel that if I just keep getting up and charging at the target again, perhaps this time I'll hit it. Luckily I have a friend who points out, repeatedly, that that's the definition of insanity ... so now sometimes I can stop and think about what must change. Sometimes everything must change because the goal is false. Then I have to go back to step one again, and let go of guilt … But sometimes things must change because the goal has simply changed, as they do over time. Perhaps when I started the journey I only wanted to simple goals, and now they're more complex. Perhaps the path required for the achievement of goals is too lonely. Each day I change, and it's okay – and important – to inquire of myself if I'm still doing what I really want to be doing.

To ask for help.  Even following simple steps can be too hard without friends and loved ones. I know that much of the thinking I have to do when I've fallen short or struggling must be my own, done on my own, acknowledged and worked through in my own head in my own intensely personal space. But it surely is good to have someone to whom I can turn for a bit of help with the questions rolling through my head. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, or misinterpreting signals, or making decisions based unreliable reactions, or simply that I can't do it. I'm not capable. The voice of a friend can remind me to trust myself – simple, but not easy. Asking for help provides me with new or different information and can break the cycle of self-doubt that gets in the way of resetting my goals, or simply trying harder to reach them.

Case in point. I am behind in my Ten Tigers for legitimate reasons – or so I tell myself. But the motivation to catch up eluded me until the other day. With a little outside influence added to my own circular thinking, I was able to replace some negative thoughts with positive ones, create rewards where only failure weighed heavy. And now I'm within striking distance of not only pulling even, but pushing ahead. I've re-set my goals to allow for my need for off days, and raised the bar for performance.

And that's not the only struggle this writing applies to. Writing to these assignments makes me consider where I am right now, and follow my own steps to get in a better place. My muscles are sore, but my mind is okay. Thank goodness.