Monday, August 10, 2009

One thing I'm afraid of

I'm pretty tough and not afraid of much. Dark pathways in the woods, swimming alone in the lake at midnight, snakes, spiders, wild beasts, human predators ... I don't spend time being afraid of these things. One thing I'm afraid of is losing my confidence. I'm fairly capable most times, but sometimes ....

When I completed a recent 5K race, I couldn't find my car. I thought I knew where I parked, and walked confidently that direction ... no car. No car anywhere nearby. I felt silly at first, then panicky. Why couldn't I remember where I parked? The panic made me less logical as I searched. When I found it, I had been mistaken by one city block. How could that happen?

Another time, in sparring, I was with a partner who hit too hard. I asked my partner to lighten up, and tightened my guard. No good -- hit again, too hard. I asked again, tried harder ... same thing. I walked away, which was the right thing to do, but my confidence was damaged. Why couldn't I defend myself, keep from getting hit, when I knew a hard punch was coming? What was I training for, if not that? This was weeks ago, and I'm still mentally shaky in a sparring match with quick jabs.

When my confidence is lost, I convince myself that I can't meet the demands of the situation, and therefore I don't. I hear my own voice in my head telling me that it's not going to work, and I believe it.

A friend suggested that I try shrugging my shoulders and saying, "so what?" So what if I can't find my car this moment -- it's here somewhere. So what if I got hit a few times -- that's part of learning. So what? I think that's a key to letting go, something I've been working on for a while now. If I can defuse the fear that accompanies a loss of confidence, then I can keep my mind active and manage the situation better.

1 comment:

  1. I love this phrase..."so what" It sums up the whole concept of letting go, detachment or impartiality. I think it will be this weeks mantra.

    Anne, I am so tickled because I found this passage right after reading your wonderful blog:
    "One day, after wheeling my supermarket cart into the parking lot and looking unsuccessfully for a few minute for my car, I heard myself say, "Oh, HER car has been stolen!" Standing in the parking lot, I observed this impartial witness considering, in a very good-humored way, what to do with all her groceries. Looking down at the melting icecream, a quiet openess bordering on wonderment filled me. I understood at that moment that impartiality is central to finding ease in life and that impartiality leads not to a deadening of spirit but to an enlivening that occurs when we are open to outcome."
    Donna Farhi, Bringing Yoga to Life

    I think what sticks out the most for me in this are the phrases "ease in life" and "open to outcome"

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