I'm pretty tough and not afraid of much. Dark pathways in the woods, swimming alone in the lake at midnight, snakes, spiders, wild beasts, human predators ... I don't spend time being afraid of these things. One thing I'm afraid of is losing my confidence. I'm fairly capable most times, but sometimes ....
When I completed a recent 5K race, I couldn't find my car. I thought I knew where I parked, and walked confidently that direction ... no car. No car anywhere nearby. I felt silly at first, then panicky. Why couldn't I remember where I parked? The panic made me less logical as I searched. When I found it, I had been mistaken by one city block. How could that happen?
Another time, in sparring, I was with a partner who hit too hard. I asked my partner to lighten up, and tightened my guard. No good -- hit again, too hard. I asked again, tried harder ... same thing. I walked away, which was the right thing to do, but my confidence was damaged. Why couldn't I defend myself, keep from getting hit, when I knew a hard punch was coming? What was I training for, if not that? This was weeks ago, and I'm still mentally shaky in a sparring match with quick jabs.
When my confidence is lost, I convince myself that I can't meet the demands of the situation, and therefore I don't. I hear my own voice in my head telling me that it's not going to work, and I believe it.
A friend suggested that I try shrugging my shoulders and saying, "so what?" So what if I can't find my car this moment -- it's here somewhere. So what if I got hit a few times -- that's part of learning. So what? I think that's a key to letting go, something I've been working on for a while now. If I can defuse the fear that accompanies a loss of confidence, then I can keep my mind active and manage the situation better.
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I love this phrase..."so what" It sums up the whole concept of letting go, detachment or impartiality. I think it will be this weeks mantra.
ReplyDeleteAnne, I am so tickled because I found this passage right after reading your wonderful blog:
"One day, after wheeling my supermarket cart into the parking lot and looking unsuccessfully for a few minute for my car, I heard myself say, "Oh, HER car has been stolen!" Standing in the parking lot, I observed this impartial witness considering, in a very good-humored way, what to do with all her groceries. Looking down at the melting icecream, a quiet openess bordering on wonderment filled me. I understood at that moment that impartiality is central to finding ease in life and that impartiality leads not to a deadening of spirit but to an enlivening that occurs when we are open to outcome."
Donna Farhi, Bringing Yoga to Life
I think what sticks out the most for me in this are the phrases "ease in life" and "open to outcome"