A new experience

I seem to have reached a point in my life that I have never experienced before. It is not a point at which I want or need to be. It is subtle and yet profound. This point affects all aspects of my life. It takes much of the joy out of life and has turned me into a robot. I have reached the point known as mental exhaustion.

I have went as long as a week with nothing to eat but a par boiled rabbit and one eye ball during an extremely physically demanding training course. I have operated in water for 5 hour lengths, never touching a bottom or having anything to rest against, relying only on my own ability to tread water. I have operated concrete pump hoses without pause for 8 continuous hours with only a drink of water occasionally, for days on end. I have stayed awake for 76 hours straight (not recommended as hallucinations can be experienced). I can honestly say that I have pushed the limits of my body's endurance and never reached my physical limit. When my body seemed too tired to go on, I found that sheer willpower would take it further.

If only the mind worked in the same way. Its funny that the mind can support and renew the physical body but the body can't reciprocate. Being exhausted in the mind is not a pleasant experience. When I make it to class, my motivation comes from my classmates. I have relied on them to refresh my memory when I simply can't remember the next move of the form. My mind works constantly but somehow seems less productive. My sleep patterns are totally disrupted. I am running on habit. I write this after waking from a 4 hour nap in which I had no choice in taking. It was a necessity. I struggled through my homework but managed to finish.

I have gained focus in my life with martial arts, with school, with self-exploration but my continual state of tiredness has narrowed it down to a sort of tunnel vision. Where in the past I used willpower to push my body past its perceived limit into new territory, now it is used to complete my obligations and responsibilities as best I can. This point I have reached is not without its benefit. I have learned much about myself. I have learned more of what I am capable of doing. I have learned the value of rest and how I must take care of not only my physical body but my mental health also. I have always considered willpower to be an extension of the spirit. This has brought to me a greater appreciation for the terms body, mind, and spirit. The goal I have at this particular point in my life can be summed up in five words...

Five more weeks to go!