“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”
I listened to this Beatles’ song, yet again, and heard an additional resonance caused by Steven’s earlier post on valuing people. The love generation’s oft-misunderstood refrain about making love doesn’t mean having frequent casual relationships so much as it asks us to love more people more fully. But some people are harder to love than others. While it’s hard to both open and guard a heart at the same time, perhaps with practice it gets easier. For instance, what if, when a hurtful comment is heard, we dodge it? I was thinking of the “Matrix” moves we practiced in class Tuesday. A punch can take many forms – some of the ones that hurt the most are not physical. What if we improved our ability to deflect harmful potential, to let it flow by, much as the right kind of block turns a punch just enough to miss? With practice, the deflections would be instinctive and require less energy. A well-protected heart has less to fear and more to love.
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The form for this type of defense would be priceless! I have encountered much more of the emotional attacks than physical confrontations. I have had friends tell me that you can be hurt the worst by people you love the most. There is much truth to this and often, the worst pain inflicted is emotional pain.
ReplyDeleteI am not so sure emotional pain can be dodged in such a fashion. When we block a physical punch successfully we avoid pain. The painful blows that land are the ones that avoid our guard, either intentionally or unintentially on our part. In sparring, we train our bodies to act and react with the help of a willing and non-hostile partner. Our partner has no intention of deliberately hurting us. In a real confrontation our attacker ussually has malicious intentions and is seeking to do harm in some way. They expect their punch to hurt. Even if the confrontation remains verbal, the words they choose are picked for the pain they cause and are used as weapons.
To love is to expose your vulnerable places, to share and trust and let another inside the emotional walls in a connection not meant to be severed. Love keeps 2 people connected at all times and all places and does not harbor ill intent. We don't defend against love but take pleasure in its presence. We trust that self-defense will not be necessary. If we feel otherwise, then we are limiting the emotions we are willing to share and restricting access inside the walls. At that point we will always maintain a safe place.
Guarding yourself seems the opposite of love to me because limits and defenses are in place. We put up the emotional walls to guard our feelings in much the same way we raise our hands to guard our bodies. We do not want our opponent inside these defences. There is no trust that once they get inside they will not do harm if they can. Instead of desiring and welcoming a constant connection, we avoid or defend against an assault using any means or methods necessary.
I can't see any way to merge these two without either limiting the amount of love and trust we give or weakening our defenses to the point they may not be effective. Sparring is the closest point I can think of to this grey area, a point where trust and consideration can co-exist with conflict.
A well-protected heart may have less to fear and more to love but a well-loved heart has nothing to fear and everything to love.
However. . .
ReplyDeleteI have seen many times in sparring that one person did have malicious intent.
When I was a yellow sash, a black sash who was having a bad day/week/month took it out on me and nearly knocked me out.
I have seen in sparring one person get hurt accidentally, lose his/her temper and lash out at their partner who never even knew the other was hurt.
I have seen two people spar and gradually increase the intensity and impact of their sparring each assuming that the other was OK with it until one of them got hurt.
I have seen people sparring fail to tell their partner that the contact was too hard and walk away injured to the point that they had to take six weeks off their training.
So even when sparring with a willing and non-hostile partner. It is necessary to defend oneself. We do not have to defend ourselves in the same way as if it were a hostile opponent, but we still must defend ourselves.
I take steps to defend myself from my wife. There have been times that I hurt her without realizing it and she lashed out. I defended myself, not with anger, not by closing off my love of her, but by communicating clearly.
Me: "Hey, why are you hitting so hard? Lighten up."
Her: "You hit me hard!!"
Me: "I did, it was totally an accident, I'm sorry."
Steven, You make a very good point about sparring which can be equated to the emotional aspect also. If we unintentionally hurt our sparring partner and they lash out in pain or revenge, we can appologize and cool things down to avoid anymore incidents. Likewise, if a comment is painful but unintentionally so, we can communicate the pain and a loving partner will probably regret the words and appologize.
ReplyDeleteThe only difference I see is that we always try to defend ourself with a non-hostile sparring partner and continue to do so even if they turn hostile during the match. In either case we are holding them at a distance and trying to prevent our own injury. We know at the start of the match that our opponent will be trying to strike us in some way, if even only lightly. We are forewarned.
The unintentionally (hopefully) painful comment from someone we are close to can come as a shock, similar to an unseen punch in sparring. We are not expecting it, we are not forewarned and the pain caused can sometimes last for a while. The consequences in both cases could be even more damaging.
If the same problems kept occurring on the training floor, I would tend to be much more intent on my guard and less likely to open myself up by trying new techniques. Instead of a positive learning environment, the effect would become negative and defensive. Likewise, I would become more emotionally defensive and be less sensitive to the positive aspects of an emotional connection.
You are right about good clear communication being the key. Positive communication, both verbal and physical, can solve many problems. In the examples of sparring you mentioned, I can see where effective communication would have prevented the incidents from going so far. Once the punch has landed and the comment has cut though, the effects of the pain can go beyond the immediate and have far reaching consequences. When you next sparred with that same black sash, did you act or feel any differently about training with him? Was the possibility of another venting session in your thoughts? Emotional injuries seem to last much longer than physical ones and the only way I know to defend against them is limiting the ability of someone reaching them. It's probably not the best or only way to do it but it's the only way I know.